I feel the need to write down my thought after eight long years.. when I opened this blog site tears began to roll from my eyes.. it brought back so many memories of happiness, tears, wishes and fears…

 

A lot has happened in the 8 years that passed..

I got married to my SM.. have a beautiful little child.. and my world is filled with warmth, love, happiness.. it’s the dream world I had always imagined it to be.. God has been kind.

 

This blog reflects my life journey.. its been a beautiful one and a hell of a roller coaster ride J

and he swept me off my feet.. singing this song.. playing the guitar.. my inexpressive sm!

aayiram kannumai kaathirunnu ninne jnaan
With thousand eyes I waited for you
ennil ninnum parannakannoru paingily malar thenkily
Birdie, sweet birdie, who flew away from me
Manju veenatharinjilla veyil vannupoyatharinjilla
Didn't know when snow and sunshine came and went
omale nee varum naalumenniyirunnu jnaan
Dear, I counted the days for your return
vannu nee vannu ninnu nee ende janma saaphalyame
You came, you came and stood, my life's bliss
vannu nee vannu ninnu nee ende janma saaphalyame...
You came, you came and stood, my life's bliss

aayiram... thousand....

Thennalum makalekiyo kunju thumbi thamburu meettiyo 
Did the breeze kiss you? Did the small dragonfly play the violin?
ullile maamayil neelappeelikal neettiyo 
Did the peacock inside you span it's blue feathers?
ende ormayil poothu ninnoru manja mandaarame
The yellow flower that bloomed in my memories
ennil ninnum parannu poyoru janma saaphalyame
Life's bliss that flew away from me

the most beautiful way of celebrating 3 years of a blissful fulfilling relationship... 

They say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - Shouldn't i be as strong as a sumo wrestler by now!!!

I am feeling so spaced out... it still hasn't sunk in. I dunno what happened. I dunno how i ended up here. I dunno how to stop hurting. And the worst bit is i dunno what to expect next... its just so unclear... I just kept asking questions in my desperate attempt to solve things but the more i asked the more hazy it got and the frustrated it got for him... so i decided to shut up

In my head i still have the faith... but the silence is scary... its killing me... haven't been able to sleep... have been so restless!

I just wish it wasn't this complicated... I want my happy place back... I want my SM back! I want the end to be different this time for once!! Its damn difficult to not be able to do anything about it and just wait...

The memories and the hope of getting it back are the only thing that are keeping me going...

Tattooed :)

Sensual and bold she appears yet shy and timid she is

Secrets she tries to hold in her bosom yet thread bare to the world she is

A future she dreams of beckons yet stuck in memories of the past she is

With wings of desires and aspirations she wants to fly yet tied down by inhibitions and fears she is

Life is a funny mash of contradictions where optimism, pessimism, hope, despair, reality, dreams, aspirations, fears all coexist… she is the epitome of these contradictions

For tackel :)

I had one of the most frustrating and pissing off conversations with someone yesterday… He was on a trip of his own. I hate it when people believe that you still are in the shithole they left you in… It pisses me off when they draw their own conclusions from what you are saying. ARGH!!!

I guess I was at fault too. I shouldn’t have started the conversation regardless of the occasion & I should have given diplomatic answers and evaded it later. Hmmm… I am such a smarty pants! Will I ever learn!!!

Anyway was very uneasy about the conversation & I wanted to talk to my tackel(who is also at fault cos he made me feel bad about acting like a kid and not wishing Mr. X). Five minutes into the conversation I was laughing my butt off. I don’t know how he manages it every single time… he yells at me, shakes me up, uses analogies that only he comes up with, clears my head and still makes me smile at the end of it. He just has such a different special way. It feels nice to be able to tell you anything under the sun without worrying about how you would take it or how stupid you would think I am. Just wanted to say thank you hun. Love you to bits.

Dreaming with eyes wide open...

I have been dreaming this beautiful dream... every time i see it it fills me up with joy...

I see a small n cozy home... it has two rooms n a kitchen n a terrace...
the terrace has a comfy mattress and lots of pillows scattered around and some candles and lanterns... Its a full moon night and the sky is filled with a million stars...
One of the rooms has a bar with lots of tequila and champagne stocked up and there is a jacuzzi with warm water n rose petals and the room has a magical romantic fragrance...
the living room is dim lit... it has huge rectangular black leather bean bag and a flat screen TV... & i am sitting there watching TV... in a maroon satin nightie... my hair is slightly wet(just outta a shower kinds)... n there is this guy whose face isn't familiar but he doesn't feel like a stranger... he has a rugged look n has a warm smile and he is sitting behind me with his arms wrapped around me... and its so snug... its like i can sit in that moment for hours...

A friend tried to snap me outta dreaming... he said it will hurt when the dreamz don't come true... well i don't really care and still keep dreaming on...

I believe that god gave us a life in which some things we can't choose or change but he also gave us dreams to make a world of our own...

i don't wanna be a blueberry pie.. I am vanilla icecream with hot chocolate

A friend once said 'you can make the worlds best and yummiest chocolate cake but if he wants an apple pie u cant force him to eat the chocolate cake' :)

Just cos he doesn't want it doesn't make the chocolate cake any less tasty. Does it?

So he can be happy with his boring apple pie. hee hee

I have the midas touch!

Well not that everything i touch turns to gold! Unfortunately!!

I feel like Chuck of 'Good Luck Chuck'. For those who haven't seen the movie, Chuck is jinxed... Ever girl Chuck sleeps with finds true love the next day... I have a a similar jinx. Every guy i fall for suddenly finds a girl. LOL.

I fucking don't know how it happens... I MEAN HOW!! Every single time!!! The moment i get close to a guy and he makes me feel like he loves me to bits, some girl pops outta nowhere! N i smile n say "I am sooooooooooo happy for you" :D

I've started feeling that somethings wrong with me... how do i manage it...some friends give me solace by saying I'm just too nice or deserve better and some friends blame it on me not wanting to go all the way.

I wanna just go into a shell n stay there!