They say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - Shouldn't i be as strong as a sumo wrestler by now!!!

I am feeling so spaced out... it still hasn't sunk in. I dunno what happened. I dunno how i ended up here. I dunno how to stop hurting. And the worst bit is i dunno what to expect next... its just so unclear... I just kept asking questions in my desperate attempt to solve things but the more i asked the more hazy it got and the frustrated it got for him... so i decided to shut up

In my head i still have the faith... but the silence is scary... its killing me... haven't been able to sleep... have been so restless!

I just wish it wasn't this complicated... I want my happy place back... I want my SM back! I want the end to be different this time for once!! Its damn difficult to not be able to do anything about it and just wait...

The memories and the hope of getting it back are the only thing that are keeping me going...